The Suicidal Flying Fish
August 22nd, 2006
Jerry, the fish out of water
My wife noticed yesterday that Sebastian's one-and-only pet, a fish named Jerry, was not in his tank. She explained to him that Jerry was probably on the floor somewhere, but Sebastian posited that he might also be in the sink or toilet (on the other side of the house).
Thus, yesterday morning I awoke to Sebastian yelling at me that Jerry had gone missing. This is rarely a relaxing way to start your day, unless perhaps you sleep on a bed made from shards of glass. Luckily, my wife was on the case already, so I earned the job of fighting through that "why-am-I-awake-already?" haze while trying to console my quivering-lipped son.
Luckily, my wife found Jerry on the floor. She took him for dead when she picked up the dry fish, but then Jerry blinked a bit and moved slightly. She put him back in the tank, and hours later, he seems to be doing fine, though I'm sure there must be some damage.
Apparently, Jerry had decided to end it all. Somehow, he made his way out of the fish tank, which requires a jump of at least two inches out of the water. Moreover, the only openings in the tank were a six-inch opening in the front for feeding purposes and a couple two-inch gaps in the back on either side of the filter.
Not coincidentally, Jerry's owners (Sebastian and my wife) neglected him for several weeks as a horrible amount of algae and other various gook covered his tank. He couldn't see out, and we couldn't see in. It is my belief that this neglect and psychological trauma caused Jerry to carry out this suicidal cry for help.
In order to keep Jerry from jumping out again, she replaced the lid on the feeding section on the front of the tank. The back, however, is permanently open on either side of the filter. I'm guessing that my wife chose the most convenient item on hand to cover these openings, but her choice was hilarious: The back of the tank is now covered by an army man's parachute. I'm clearly more pessimistic than my wife. If the fish gets suicidal and jumps again, I don't think he's going to grab the parachute and ride it down to the floor.
August 22nd, 2006 at 14:22
Seriously I forgot it was a parachute-I hope it works properly if he ever does use it.
August 23rd, 2006 at 17:42
So…has the tank been cleaned yet? ;p
August 23rd, 2006 at 23:32
Apparently I forgot to mention that the tank was cleaned before the suicide attempt. The picture shown in this post was taken after the attempt as well. If I had taken the picture before the tank was cleaned, it would have just been a green blob.
Nonetheless, I still believe that the filthy tank incident put him in the state he was in when he tried to take his life.
August 26th, 2006 at 12:57
Remember the one about there being broken glass on a wet floor where Lucy and Ethel laid? This is yet another tragic story of fish and their unflinching addiction to excitement.
I love the parachute situation! Irony at it's best!
August 28th, 2006 at 16:58
Buy a snail or algae eating fish (placo, i think). They work wonders on dirty tanks. The snails definitely try to escape though. Stupid gastropods.
August 29th, 2006 at 11:51
The last algae-eating fish we got was back when my wife cleaned the tank nearly religiously, and he died. Jerry ended up eating most of his carcass before she removed it from the tank.
August 29th, 2006 at 15:02
Ah, Jerry must be upset because DJ interrupted the circle of life. Dontcha know that he was just trying to consume the flesh of his mortal enemy so that he could have mastery over him in the fish afterlife?